It's been years since that night. Those nights. But I still remember them, still turn the memory over in my palm like a small river stone: the bonfire bristling with thick snaps of sparks, soft crackles, insistent heat. The stars glimmering quietly in their shadowy seats up above the glassy black lake, among the silhouettes of … Continue reading Life Has No Purpose, and That is Freedom: Vignettes from an Ex-Christian
Nothing Good Dwells in Me is a 2-part series about rebuilding the self that Christianity destroyed. The first article was a more personal exploration of how my church taught me, intentionally or not, how worthless I am. Today, we'll look at ways to start changing that thinking. Last time, I laid out a few key (and disgusting, and … Continue reading Nothing Good Dwells in Me: How We Wrestle Self-Worth Back from Christianity (Part 2)
We'll start with a 2-min science lesson: Allostatic load is what happens when we're always running from the bear There's this thing that neuropscyhologists talk about sometimes called allostasis. Now, this is gonna get a little scientific, but bear with me! I'll break it down for ya. With bears. When we meet life's challenges, our bodies lose energy. … Continue reading The Allostatic Load of Christianity: How Toxic Theology Can Stress The Shit Out of Us
I've got Fuck-All Optimism. It's what makes me so energetic and full of love for the world, and it's what keeps me surviving on crappy days. But it does have one downside. Simply put, it irons my question marks into exclamation points. All the I feel lost and I feel that I lost what do I dos, the what triggers panic attacks, the I'm just plain sads, Fuck-All Optimism tends to paint over that mold with bright yellow paint. There must be a balance between this strange force which makes me believe unshakably in myself and find incredible wonder in the world... and the ability to let myself feel tiny and lost and hurt. But where is it?
The past month has been incredibly hard. I've been struggling a lot. Choosing recovery has helped tons, but with religious trauma and the knowledge that I binge eat added to the plate, it's all just... a lot. I always prided myself on my openness about my mental illness - I told my (Chinese) church that … Continue reading Vulnerability: Toe-Dipping Feels Like Skinny Dipping